A man is at a job interview for the postion of a bus driver. The interviewer tells him that he can have the job but there is something he should know about the route first. It isn't just an ordinary route, it's a very one. Peculiar things happen on it that don't happen anywhere else. The man is desperate for the job and takes it anyway. The next day at 9:00 am he starts his first day and as he is approaching his bus, he notices that there are children's characters painted all over the side of the bus. There is a painting of Big Bird, the cookie monster, Ernie and Burt, etc. Also there are big numbers and letters painted between the characters. The man just shakes his head and gets on. He drives to his first stop and two really *FAT* twin girls get on. The first one gets on and looks him right in the eyes and says "HI!!! MY NAME IS PATRICIA!!!!", then quietly walks to the back of the bus. The next girl gets on the bus and screams "HI!!! MY NAME IS PATRICIA, TOO!!!", and also quietly walks to the back of the bus. He just mumbles to himself and gets to the next stop. A little boy gets on and looks at him and says "Hi, there. My name is Ross, but some people say that I'm special. So you can call me special, too". The driver just nods and Ross sits down. At the next stop, another young child gets on and says "Get this straight, man. My name is Leonard G... Leonard G..." and he too finds a seat. The bus driver then thinks to himself, "what the heck did I get myself into. These people are messed up. This entire route is messed up. I don't know how long I can take this." Suddenly he gets a wiff of a horrible pugnant odor. The entire bus really smells bad and the driver quickly pulls the bus over to the side of the road and says "That's it! What is going on here? What is that horrible smell?" As he walks to the back of the bus, he sees Leonard G. with his shoes and socks off and picking pieces of skin off of his feet. The driver loses it right there and just books off the bus and to the nearest pay phone. He calls his boss and says, "Look, you better go get your bus and pick up your passengers I quit. I don't want anything to do with them anymore." "What's the matter", asked the boss. "What's the matter??? I'll tell you what's the matter! Two all beef Pattys, special Ross, and Leonard G picking his bunions on the back of a Sesame Street bus!! -------------------------------- I don't care if the road gets scary Long as I got my virgin mary Riding on the dashboard of my car You don't need your best behaviour Long as you've got that suction saviour Riding on the dashboard of your car Magnetic Mary's got to go She's f*cking up my radio Riding on the dashboard of my car I don't care if it rains or freezes Long as I've got my plastic Jesus Riding on the dashboard of my car... I don't care if I crack up, Cause he's held on with a suction cup, Sittin' there on the dashboard of my car I can go a hundred miles an hour, Long as I've got the almighty power, Sittin' on the dashboard standin' guard --------------------- This guy and this girl are in bed making love. When the guy is finished the girl asks him: " what are we going to name the baby ? ". The guy takes the condom out, ties the end of the condom and says: " if he can get out of this we'll call him Houdini". ---------------------- Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a spliting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms. "I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms." "Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?" ----------------- When Mr. John everyman died and went to heaven St. Peter gave him a small Ford cloud to drive around in. He did and was, of course, delighted to be there. One afternoon, he spotted another person he knew, Bill Criminal, driving a Cadillac cloud. In the cloud he noted painted women and many bottles of beer and heard singing and squeals of delight. He immediately went back to the gate and confronted St. Pete. "Why do I, a good man, get a Ford cloud, while BC, gets a Cadillac cloud, painted women and bottles of beer?" "Things are not always what they seem", said the saint, "every bottle of beer has a hole in the bottom, and none of the women do." ------------------ Did you here about the man who tatooed a hundred dollar bill on his pecker ? He had heard that women like to blow money. ------------------- A lady at a golf course (playing golf of course) got stung by a bee. So she went to the manager to complain about it. "Where did you get stung?" the manager asked. "Between the first hole and the second", she replied. To this the manager responded, "Sounds to me that your stance is too wide". ---------------------- What does Donna Rice have in common with Bernie Ginsberg? They both blew a little dope. ----------------------- Cuthbert and Farquhar were out late one night on a mission to steal a farmer's prize bull for a third party. Cuthbert, being inexperienced at cattle theft, was understandably nervous. "How will we know which bull is the right one? There's a whole pasture of them out there, Farquhar. . ." "Not to worry, old chum," replied Farquhar. "You no doubt are wondering why I brought this length of metal pipe with me." "Well, now that you mention it, my curiosity is rather piqued by such a strange implement," responded Cuthbert. "You see, dear Cuthbert, we simply insert this pipe up the bull's rectum. Then, by heartily blowing into it, we may deduce the beast's pedigree." "How?" "Ha-ha-ha-ha," laughed Farquhar, "don't you know anything? You see, if the animal's a prize bull, his eyes will rotate counterclockwise upon feeling a gust of air ripple through his lower intestine via a metal pipe. And since there is only one prize bull on this farm, it is simply a matter of testing every bull until we find the creature with the counterclockwise spinninng eyes." "Ah, now I see!" "Shhhh, we're here. I'll insert the pipe, and you go up front to watch his eyes." Farquhar then took the pipe, firmly jammed it up the bull's nether orifice, and, taking a very deep breath, proceeded to blow into the pipe. Finished, he called up to Cuthbert, "Well?" Cuthbert uncertainly replied, "I couldn't really tell. Could you do it again?" Farquhar inhaled deeply, and repeated the gaseous enema. But Cuthbert was still uncertain about the diagnosis. So this little scenario was repeated several times, until Farquhar, out of breath, and rather irritated, suggested, "All right then, dammit, you come back here and *I'll* watch his eyes!" Farquhar took Cuthbert's place in front of the bull, and was ready to observe its eyes, when he noted Cuthbert taking the pipe out of the bull's anus, turning it around, and inserting the other end into the bull's rear. "Why did you do that?" Farquhar blurted out in disbelief. "What?" Cuthbert replied in disgust, his mouth suspended over the feces-smeared pipe-end, "and get your germs????????" ------------------ Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream. "Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?" "Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma. "I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too." "OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..." Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs. "See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma. "Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa. "You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!" ------------------ Q: What do you get when you cross Dolly Parton and a DRAM? A: 64K Mammaries ------------------ Heard about the new "Mr. T" toilet paper? Don't buy it; he doesn't take shit off anybody! ---------------- It seems that there was this high school history teacher who had a standing bet with his class that if they could correctly answer a riddle posed on Friday, there would be no class on Monday. All throughout the semester, he asked a riddle of the class, but no one was able to answer any of them. Finally, the class clown took it upon himself to fix this problem. He went out and bought two gold balls and painted them black. On the next Friday, the teacher once again asked a riddle; "Class, this week's riddle is..." he began. Just then, the class clown threw the gold balls to the front of the room, where they clattered against the door. The teacher was startled and asked, "Alright, who's the funny guy with the black balls?" From the back of the room was heard, "Bill Cosby, see 'ya Tuesday!" --------------------- Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" ------------------- This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. "Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50." "Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquires a bit anxiously. "Honey, yours would've been too big to get in the door." A couple of days later they're lying in bed again, and the man says, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds." "Well, did you see mine?" she asks. "Baby," he says, "the auction was IN your pussy!" ------------------- Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what"s that?" Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now." A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, your mom is spoiled, son." ------------------- The farmer and his wife were in bed. The farmer grabbed his wife's breast and squeezed, saying "You know, if we could get these things to give milk, we wouldn't need them cows no more!!" His wife groaned, pushed him away, and rolled over. Later on, he reached between her legs, fiddled with his finger, and said "You know, if we could get this thing to lay eggs, we wouldn't need them chickens no more!!" His wife groaned, pushed his hand away, and decided to get him back. She reached over, grabbed his cock and squeezed it so hard he yelped. "You know," she said, "If we could get this damn thing to get hard, we wouldn't need your brother no more!" ------------------- Gillmer took Kristene, the pretty young receptionist his firm just hired, to a motel room. The girl seemed shy and inexperienced, so the man decided he would be her tutor in the art of love. Gillmer began running his hands all over her chest. "Do you know what I'm doing ?" he asked. "NO," replied Kristene. "I'm fondling your breasts." Then he moved his hand down between her legs and asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now ?" When she replied "no", he explained he was caressing her clitoris. Then he became so aroused that he spread her legs and thrust himself into her. "Do you know what I'm doing now ?" he panted. "Yes." said Kristene, you're catching herpes." --------------- Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." ---------------- Three streetwalkers were in a New York City court, as well as Finkleman, an old Jewish peddler, arrested for selling panty-hose without a license. "This is all a mistake, yr Honor," said the first hooker. "I was just walking along with this guy --" "Just a minute, young lady," said the judge, "you've been here a dozen times. One hundred dollars fine. Next!" "I'm a poor, private secretary," said the second girl, "and I wasn't doin nuthin --" "I recognize you too, miss," said the judge, "two hundred dollars or two days in jail. Next case!" "Judge," said the third girl, "I'm a prostitute! I'm not proud of it, but it's the only way I can support my three kids. I'm guilty!" "Young woman," said the judge, "I like your honesty. And because of it, I'm going to give you a break. Your case is dismissed. And sergeant, give this girl fifty dollars out of the Policemans Fund!" Now comes Finkelman, the old Jewish peddlar arrested for selling panty hose without a license. "Your Honor," he pleaded. "I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm a prostitute!" ----------------- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. ----------------- Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the cheif witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." ------------------ McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of the passangers who were injured. "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you say when you saw this happen ?" I said to myself," replied the Irishman, "this is one helluva way to run a railroad." ------------------ Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling at the airport? Seems she bent over and someone saw ten pounds of crack... ------------------ At a doctors' convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after the day's lectures were over. An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one person and put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said, "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." An American doctor, not wanting to be outdone, said, "That's nothing. We can take an asshole out of Hollwood, put him in the White House, and have half the nation lookin for work the next day." ------------------ Did you hear about the all-expenses-paid vacation for losers? --Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. --Thruman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. --Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur an the island. --You go yachting with Natalie Wood. --You have drinks with William Holden. --And Roman Polanski stays home and watches your kids. ------------------ There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling toothbrushes. His boss, wondering at this unlikely success, sent a man out to follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side a bag of potato chips and a small bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them the following pitch. "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for ------- brand of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream in utter disgust. "This tastes like shit!" The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a toothbrush?" ------------------ There once were two friends who were as close as any two friends could be. Their names were Sam Flamm and Joe Blow. Now, one day Sam Flamm and Joe Blow were driving down the coastline in their convertible Volkswagon bug and talking about how much fun they'd had at the ballet the night before, when all of a sudden, Sam Flamm missed a curve and they flew over the cliff and crashed on the rocks below. So they died. Well, Joe Blow went up to heaven and met St. Peter at the gate. He was welcomed with open arms, given a big white Cadillac, and treated like a king. He had angels to sing to him, they gave him a white robe and a halo to wear, and he took harp lessons every Sunday after church. Unfortunately, Joe Blow was just not happy. He really missed his best friend Sam. So he went to St. Peter and asked him what had happened to good old Sam. St. Peter said,"Well, I'll tell you, Joe. He wasn't as lucky as you, and, well, he got sent to the other place." "Oh, no!" said Joe Blow, "So I'll never see him again?" "Well, they do have visiting hours down there, but there are some very strict rules. You must be back exactly at midnight, and you mustn't leave anything from heaven down there, otherwise you will have to remain there for the rest of eternity." said St. Peter. "Oh, yes!" said Joe, "Anything to see My best friend Sam again!" So Joe Blow took the elevator down to hell and visited with Sam Flamm. They had a joyous reunion and Sam Flamm spent the day showing Joe around his new home. Since this was hell, Sam's penance was to run a disco for the rest of his life which played nothing but the Bee Gees and Barry Sam and Joe were both avid disco fans, and boogied until they were ready to drop. They were having such a good time that Joe forgot about the time until it was almost too late. "Oh, no!" said Joe. "I have to get back or I'll be in big trouble!" He ran as fast as he could back to the elevator. He felt lucky, he still had a minute and a half to get back. He zoomed up the elevator and got to the gate, panting. He looked at his watch and noticed that he had 23 more seconds. But as he tried to go through the gates, they slammed in his face. St. Peter came out at that point and said, "I'm sorry, my boy, but you have broken the rules. You are now condemned to hell forever." Confused, Joe Blow tried to think of where he had gone wrong. He had come back on time and... Then the realization hit, and he cried out; "OH NO! I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM FLAMM'S DISCO!!!" --------------------------------- Mr and Mrs Smith, a middle-aged all-American couple, are vacationing one Christmas in the Soviet Union. Wanting to know what the weather would be for sightseeing the next day, Mr Smith turns on the late-night news in his Moscow hotel room. The weatherman, a handsome Soviet called Ivan, predicts that tomorrow will be a nice and sunny day. So in the morning the Smiths go off on an outdoor sightseeing trip, and sure enough it becomes cloudy and dark right away and pretty soon the wind turns cold and blustery and dumps two inches of rain all over. Cursing the weather forecaster, the Smiths return to their room in the evening, cold and wet and miserable. Late that night, Mr Smith says "Ivan was no good. Let's get the weather from another channel tonight." On the other channel, another weatherman, Boris, also predicts beautiful sunny weather for the next day. So again the next morning the Smiths head off outdoors, and sure enough it rains the whole day again. Back in his room again that night, Mr Smith curses Boris, and turns to yet another channel to get the next day's forecast, determined that this time he would do the exact opposite of what the weatherman recommended. On the third channel, another Soviet weatherman, called Rudolph, says "Don't go out tomorrow. It's going to be pouring rain the whole day." Mr Smith says to his wife, "These Soviets have got it all backwards. I'm sure tomorrow will be a bright and sunny day." So the third day they head off again for sightseeing, and guess what - Rudolph turns out to be right, and it really rains cats and dogs the whole day, more than it did the previous two days. Shivering and wet, Mrs Smith turns to her husband and chides him: "George, you should have listened to the weatherman last night." Mr Smith defends himself: "But, Martha, the other two guys were wrong on the days before!" And Mrs Smith replies, "Yes, but you know, don't you -- Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!" --------------------------- While flying recently, Gloria Steinem was pleased to find that the entire flight crew was female. She asked a flight attendant if she might be able to do an interview in the cockpit. "Pardon, me ma'am," said the flight attendant, "where did you say?" "The cockpit." "Oh, I'm sorry but we don't call it that on this flight." --------------------------- A couple is at a divorce court and the woman is explaining to the judge why he should grant the divorce. "Judge, Henry here is the shortest I've ever seen in my life, I'm just fed up of not getting satisfied, I want out." The judge asks Henry if he has any objections and on getting a negative reply grants the divorce. On the way out the woman confronts her now ex- husband in the hall and decides to make one last jeer at him by saying loudly, "GOODBYE SHORTY!". The husband calmly turns around, spreads his lips by putting a finger each at the corner of his mouth and says "goodbye Lucy!". --------------------------- A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day "Sure, but that's *still* not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea(*); and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..." (*) Mouth rot --------------------------- A man and his wife were going to spend their honeymoon night at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. Upon arriving at their room, the woman got quite anxious and excited about spending the night in the very room that was involved in the scandal. The husband, however, was unaware of the significance of the hotel, and was rather calm. When they got ready to go to bed the woman said, "Honey, I don't know about this." "What's the matter, dear?" he said. "Well, don't you feel a bit nervous about staying in the very room that was involved in the Watergate Scandal? I mean, what if someone is listening in on everything that we are saying or doing?" The man was surprised to learn this, but expressed no uneasiness to the whole deal. But new bride couldn't get herself to relax and finally the husband said, "Would it make you feel any better if I looked around the room for bugs?" She agreed that it would. So the husband searched high and low, looking in the bathroom, the sink, the cabinet, behind pictures, in lampshades, and even in the phone only to find nothing. As a last idea, he checked under the big rug in the center of the room. To his surprise, he found a small, black, metallic object in the floor! Deciding that it could in fact be a bug, he got a screwdriver, pried the thing up from the floor, and flushed it down the toilet. "Now do you feel better, dear?" he asked. "Yes," she said. "Thank you." Moments later, the phone rang. Exchanging nervous glances with his wife, the man picked it up. It was the front desk and the clerk asked, "Are you two all right up there?" "Of course," replied the man. "Why do you ask?" "Well," he replied, "the people below you just had a chandelier fall into the middle of their room!"