THE OFFICIAL REDNECK APTITUDE TEST!!
GET A PENCIL AND PAPER AND KEEP TRACK OF POINTS!!!
1. You get 5 points if you chew tobacco. Add 2 more if you
dip snuff. You get an additional 15 if your grandmother dips
snuff. Double it all if you've ever kissed a woman who had
snuff in her mouth at the time.
2. You get 5 if you go swimming in cut-off Levis. If you are
female and wear cut-off Levis and a T-shirt swimming, you get
double points. Both sexes subtract 10 points if you do your
swimming in a swimming pool. But if your dog goes swimming
with you, you get 5 points.
3. If you own a polyester leisure suit, give yourself 5
points. Add 5 more if you still wear it. And 3 more if you
got it from your daddy. Double it all if it has any embroi-
dery on it.
4. Give yourself 3 points if your belt has your name on the
back. Add 1 point for each inch wide the buckle is. Add 5
if you carry a cased knife on it. You get 5 bonus points if
the belt is white. If you wear white shoes to match the
belt, add 10. And if you wear white socks, add 15.
5. Give yourself 5 points if you wear cowboy boots. Double
it if you sleep in them. Triple it if they are made of snake
or lizard skin. -15 if they were made in Taiwan or Massachu-
setts. Add 10 points if you own a horse.
6. You get 10 points if you live in a mobile home. Add 5
more if it's a single-wide. Add 2 more for every dog that
sleeps under it and 1 for every tire that's rotted out. Add
3 for every sliding door that works but -3 if it's skirted,
unless the skirting is cardboard or rusted tin roofing. Add
1 point for every dish in the sink that needs washing, but
take a point off for every pair of clean socks in the
trailer.
7. Give yourself 10 points for every car in the yard that's
up on cement blocks. -2 for each block that you bought. If
any car is older than a 1972, add 1 point for each year prior
to then. -5 if it has a battery. -10 if it's a European
sports car. +10 if you painted it yourself with a brush.
Add another 5 if you had it painted by Earl Shieb.
8. Score 10 points if you can whistle through your teeth.
Add 5 more if your wife can.
9. Give yourself 2 points for every rifle you own, and add a
point for every one with a scope. And give yourself 5 points
if you carry a pistol in your glove compartment. Double it
all if your wife carries one too. Triple it all if she knows
how to use it. -10 if either of you have a permit.
10. You get 5 points if you drive a pickup truck. Add 5 more
if it's a four-wheel drive. Add 5 more if it has oversized
tired with raised white letters. Add another 5 if there is a
dog box in the back, but subtract 10 if the dog is regis-
tered. Add a point for every beer can in the back, and make
it two per can IF the can is hand-crushed. -3 if the cooler
is clean.
11. Give yourself 4 points if you smoke non-menthol
cigarettes; and add 5 more if you smoke non-filter Camels.
-5 if you don't smoke cigarettes. +5 if you use stick
matches, and 2 more if you can strike them with your thumb-
nail, on your fly zipper, or on the seat of your pants. Add
another for every hour you can keep one in your mouth.
12. Give yourself 5 points if you've got a boat parked in the
yard. +3 if it's a bass boat but -3 if there are no dead
worms on the floor. -5 if the motor starts on the first
pull, and -15 if it's a sailboat.
13. Give yourself 5 points if you have a beard, but -3 if you
bathed yesterday. Add 3 if all the plumbing works and all of
your utilities are paid and current.
14. You get 5 points if you wear a white shirt with the
sleeves rolled up. Add 5 more if the shirttail is out. -1
if it only has one pocket but +1 for each button missing.
You must subtract 2 points if the collar button has ever been
buttoned.
15. You get 5 points if you dropped out of high school.
Double it if you got kicked out for fighting. Triple it if
you attended kindergarten and twelve years of school but
failed to graduate.
16. Give yourself 20 points if you listen to country music.
Add 10 more if you've ever been to Nashville, and 10 more if
you went to the Grand Ole Opry. -10 if you attended it but
didn't yell. You lose 5 more if you don't know where Johnny
Cash and Merle Haggard served jail time. But add 5 more if
you can find WSM on your radio.
17. You lose 10 points if you know who Pat Benetar is. And
-20 if you've ever listened to a whole Pat Benetar song on
the radio without changing the station. If you own a Pat
Benetar song or album, subtract 500 points. That's right.
500. But only take off 475 if you can name all four members
of the Alabama band.
WELL, THAT'S IT!!!!!
SCORING
A perfect score is 600. I doubt you scored that high.
000 - 119 You Damn Yankee!!!!!
120 - 239 Maybe you know what a Redneck is.
240 - 359 Maybe you have some Redneck relatives.
360 - 479 You should really think about moving South.
480 - 599 Move South, you Redneck!!! NOW!!!!