THE OFFICIAL REDNECK APTITUDE TEST!! GET A PENCIL AND PAPER AND KEEP TRACK OF POINTS!!! 1. You get 5 points if you chew tobacco. Add 2 more if you dip snuff. You get an additional 15 if your grandmother dips snuff. Double it all if you've ever kissed a woman who had snuff in her mouth at the time. 2. You get 5 if you go swimming in cut-off Levis. If you are female and wear cut-off Levis and a T-shirt swimming, you get double points. Both sexes subtract 10 points if you do your swimming in a swimming pool. But if your dog goes swimming with you, you get 5 points. 3. If you own a polyester leisure suit, give yourself 5 points. Add 5 more if you still wear it. And 3 more if you got it from your daddy. Double it all if it has any embroi- dery on it. 4. Give yourself 3 points if your belt has your name on the back. Add 1 point for each inch wide the buckle is. Add 5 if you carry a cased knife on it. You get 5 bonus points if the belt is white. If you wear white shoes to match the belt, add 10. And if you wear white socks, add 15. 5. Give yourself 5 points if you wear cowboy boots. Double it if you sleep in them. Triple it if they are made of snake or lizard skin. -15 if they were made in Taiwan or Massachu- setts. Add 10 points if you own a horse. 6. You get 10 points if you live in a mobile home. Add 5 more if it's a single-wide. Add 2 more for every dog that sleeps under it and 1 for every tire that's rotted out. Add 3 for every sliding door that works but -3 if it's skirted, unless the skirting is cardboard or rusted tin roofing. Add 1 point for every dish in the sink that needs washing, but take a point off for every pair of clean socks in the trailer. 7. Give yourself 10 points for every car in the yard that's up on cement blocks. -2 for each block that you bought. If any car is older than a 1972, add 1 point for each year prior to then. -5 if it has a battery. -10 if it's a European sports car. +10 if you painted it yourself with a brush. Add another 5 if you had it painted by Earl Shieb. 8. Score 10 points if you can whistle through your teeth. Add 5 more if your wife can. 9. Give yourself 2 points for every rifle you own, and add a point for every one with a scope. And give yourself 5 points if you carry a pistol in your glove compartment. Double it all if your wife carries one too. Triple it all if she knows how to use it. -10 if either of you have a permit. 10. You get 5 points if you drive a pickup truck. Add 5 more if it's a four-wheel drive. Add 5 more if it has oversized tired with raised white letters. Add another 5 if there is a dog box in the back, but subtract 10 if the dog is regis- tered. Add a point for every beer can in the back, and make it two per can IF the can is hand-crushed. -3 if the cooler is clean. 11. Give yourself 4 points if you smoke non-menthol cigarettes; and add 5 more if you smoke non-filter Camels. -5 if you don't smoke cigarettes. +5 if you use stick matches, and 2 more if you can strike them with your thumb- nail, on your fly zipper, or on the seat of your pants. Add another for every hour you can keep one in your mouth. 12. Give yourself 5 points if you've got a boat parked in the yard. +3 if it's a bass boat but -3 if there are no dead worms on the floor. -5 if the motor starts on the first pull, and -15 if it's a sailboat. 13. Give yourself 5 points if you have a beard, but -3 if you bathed yesterday. Add 3 if all the plumbing works and all of your utilities are paid and current. 14. You get 5 points if you wear a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Add 5 more if the shirttail is out. -1 if it only has one pocket but +1 for each button missing. You must subtract 2 points if the collar button has ever been buttoned. 15. You get 5 points if you dropped out of high school. Double it if you got kicked out for fighting. Triple it if you attended kindergarten and twelve years of school but failed to graduate. 16. Give yourself 20 points if you listen to country music. Add 10 more if you've ever been to Nashville, and 10 more if you went to the Grand Ole Opry. -10 if you attended it but didn't yell. You lose 5 more if you don't know where Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard served jail time. But add 5 more if you can find WSM on your radio. 17. You lose 10 points if you know who Pat Benetar is. And -20 if you've ever listened to a whole Pat Benetar song on the radio without changing the station. If you own a Pat Benetar song or album, subtract 500 points. That's right. 500. But only take off 475 if you can name all four members of the Alabama band. WELL, THAT'S IT!!!!! SCORING A perfect score is 600. I doubt you scored that high. 000 - 119 You Damn Yankee!!!!! 120 - 239 Maybe you know what a Redneck is. 240 - 359 Maybe you have some Redneck relatives. 360 - 479 You should really think about moving South. 480 - 599 Move South, you Redneck!!! NOW!!!!