File : BEAU.TXT Author : Trillion BBS : The Banana Republic BBS Baron Beauregard of the Baskervilles "The Bastard" -------------------------------------------------- A Gothic saga, the story of Beau Banana, recently encountered in Australia and, at present staying in my courtesy cell, introduced and commended to my care by El Presidente (all hail our glorious leader!) Beauregard's story begins in Barcelona where he read in an English newspaper one day of the search for the lost heir of the Baskervilles. Some few weeks later headlines in London read "Baron Beauregard Banana of the Baskervilles reveals brown birthmark-claims inheritance." At Baskerville Hall, Beauregard also known as "The Bastard" formerly believed to be born on the wrong side of the baronial blanket is now proved to be the true son begotten by bawdy Baron Brian Banana, whose demise during a baronial banquet had brought much relief to the burghers of his benighted barony. Beau (The Bastard), settled right in to the life of an aristocratic banana - breakfasts brought to the bedside by Bracegirdle the Butler banana and bountiful banquets every evening in the baronial banquet hall. He disported himself around the village of Baskerville, sinking many a barrel of beer at the Baskerville Bull and Bush Beef and Burgundy Bar, and bonking Beryl Banana the Barmaid between exercising his rights of droit de seigneur much to the fury and bafflement of the bucolic bachelor bananas about to be wed. BUT!!!!! One morning he woke up and discovered he was BROKE, basically bankrupt! No further supplies could be bought from the Butcher, the Baker or the Brewery banana without BIG BUCKS! After consulting with the British Old Boys Banana vine (like a grapevine but more yellow than blue-blooded), he heard of the beautiful blonde Lady Barbara Banana, sole beneficiary of the Bumper Biscuit Business, because her only brother Barri was missing, believed battered during a spell as a mercenary in some Bahamanian Beaurocracy. Beau (The Bastard) cunningly contrived to have this beauteous blossom of British bananahood invited to what was a seemingly above board Banana Ball, but was in fact a bizarre bacchanalia attended only by the basest of bananas, whereupon her honour being compromised, she was forced to agree to become betrothed to Beau and call the banns. So, the blushing bride Barbara became bound to Beauregard the Bastard, the Blackguard! Betrayed and bewildered, once Beau got his hands on her business and cleaned out the balance of her bucks, broken-hearted Barbara was unable to bear Beau's brutal behaviour, SO...one breakfast-time she balanced on the balcony, before biffing herself off the building, breathing her last as she bashed into the blackberry bushes beneath. Beau was briefly belligerent at having to bear the brunt of a burial, but banked on being able to bowl ahead with his natural pursuits unencumbered thereafter by his bewailing bride. BUT Bastions of British Blue Bloods were not about to let Baron Beauregard remain blameless over his behaviour. Extreme pressure was brought to bear, not the least of which were loud broadcasts of "The Ballad of Lady Barbara" by the Bard, until Beau the Bastard just couldn't be bothered battling it anymore. Bundling up his ill-begotten bounty he bought a berth on a Brazilian bound brigantine, boarded, but disembarked while the boat was berthed in Brisbane. How he encountered El Presidente is quite another story..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHOR: Trillion ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS -------------------------------------------------------------------------------