ݱ22 Apr 91_ROR_-_ALUCARD_? ް A ް ?ް A ߰ SCHOOL IS HELL -- Lessons 6 through 9 Tfile ް Distribution ް Centere ް ? By: Powerful Paul - RoR - ް A _____________________________________________________________________ް ? Shawn-Da-Lay Boy Productions, Inc.ް ް The HQ of SDBP, inc - 415/849/2688The Electric Pub - 415/236/4380 Primary Drop SitesRat Head - 415/524/3649Primary Drop Sites SCHOOL IS HELL--The text file that has to go stand in the corner (Adapted from the cartoon by Matt Groening by Powerful Paul) [> Lesson 7: The 33 types of grade school students >] Teacher's Pet, The Beauty, Mr. Cool, The Brain, The Dunce, The Copycat, The Bad Girl, The Sissy, The Goof-Off, The Bully, The Bully's Little Pal, The Chatterbox, The Tomboy, The Crybaby, The Prude, The Mean Girl, The Shy One, The Shrimp, Ms. Know-It-All, The Fat Kid, The Cheater, The Thief, The Scairdycat, The Goody-Goody, Little Miss Selfish, Joe Average, The Tattletale, The New Kid, Dainty, Sickly, Smelly, The Reject, Class Clown [> Lesson 8: Trouble: Getting in and weaseling your way out of >] When in doubt, howl your innocence. "No way!" "I been framed!" "I didn't do nuthin'." "Lemme see my lawyer!" What is trouble? The experts explain. "Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in the world today." "Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth to a stultifying educational environment." "Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is I always get caught." Basic trouble: Whispering Squirming Passing notes Chewing gum Talking Drawing cartoons Advanced trouble: Hiding all the blackboard erasers Stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teacher's desk Throwing water balloons Squirting water on the teacher's chair Very advanced trouble: Dropping a bag of ball bearings on the floor Putting snails in the teacher's briefcase Laughing at everything the teacher says Throwing maple-syrup balloons Can trouble be avoided? Many youngsters attempt to avoid trouble by seeking refuge in a seat in the rear corner of the classroom. Unfortunately, in recent centuries many authorities have become aware of this hide-out. Try not to look guilty. Half-asleep = innocent. Angelic = guilty as hell. If you are caught, try one or more of the following: Act so shocked that you are rendered temporarily speechless. This will buy you time while you think of a way out. Deny everything. Blame someone else. Look sincere. Stick to your story. Don't falter. Lie like crazy. Confess--with as few details as possible. Look pathetic. Whimper. Beg for mercy. Swear you'll never do it again. Important: Don't forget to keep your fingers crossed. [> Lesson 9: How to drive a deserving teacher crazy >] Three annoying ways to ask to go to the lavatory: "May I go to the laboratory?" <-- Bela Lugosi accent "May I go to the labrador?" "May I go see the lava flow?" Don't ALL teachers deserve to be driven crazy? Strangely, the answer is no. We must remember that teachers used to be small and speedy, just like us. But then they grew up, got sophisticated, and went senile. If they are nice and funny and teach us a thing or two, then we should take pity on the poor underpaid drudges and give 'em a break. Unless we're in a rambunctious mood. How to tell if a teacher deserves to be driven crazy. (a checklist) [ ] Calls on you when you are scrunched down in your seat trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. [ ] Locks the classroom door when the bell rings and won't open up no matter how hard you kick. [ ] Never smiles. [ ] Smiles too much. [ ] Punishes you unfairly. [ ] Punishes you fairly. Making a crazy teacher crazier--the cycle: Grimness Joylessness \ _______Teacher______ / \ / \/ Retaliates with Notices / \ / \ Cruel /________________\Disobedient Punishment\ leads to / Mischief \ / \ / Endures Commits / \______Our Hero_____/ \ / \ Resentment Frivolity Small ways to drive a deserving teacher crazy: Pretend you aren't listening. Ask distracting questions. Say: "Could you repeat that?" Act stupid. Medium-sized ways to drive a deserving teacher crazy: Hide all the blackboard erasers. Make little meowing noises without moving your lips. Act smart. Big ways to drive a deserving teacher crazy: Squirt water on the teacher's chair when she isn't looking. Smuggle as many dogs as you can into the classroom. Say things that make the class laugh but which the teacher doesn't get. If you get kicked out of class, you can still drive a deserving teacher crazy 1. Gather your stuff as slowly as possible. 2. Walk solemnly toward the door. At the last moment, twirl. 3. Slam the door and make goofy faces in the little window. Then run. 4. Wait 15 years, then type up a snotty text file about school. Ē THE HOLLOW'S ALLIANCE Alice (415)849-2688 攁r h (415)849-2688 T-file Distribution Cent-a-RoR Dr. Murdock Powerful Paul RatSnatcher Sir Death Pressed Rat R o R - A l u c a r d The Corporate Headquarters of Shawn-Da-Lay Boy Productions, Inc. 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