Primero Mundo, Ha Ha Ha! Live from Harley Heaven, Wisconsin It's AAAA TTTTT IIIII A A T I AAAA T I A A T I A A T IIIII without much beer. ACTIVELY, TOLD YA SO, I'N'A? issue # 162 9901180000 happpppppppy mlk-day got email? Hi there, Prime here. No #'s run this week, (and few letters too) I haven't been near a $ or a telnet> in 4 days. Prime No Longer Here bye/f PRESS RELEASE: Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 19:22:47 EST From: NAMMYS@aol.com This year's show is scheduled for June 19th at Foxwoods. We have a NAMMY winners tour going out in May featuring Joanne Shenandoah, R. Carlos Nakai Quartet, John Trudell and Walela. More information will be on our website shortly. Nammys (212) NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC! new column. Marco Capelli, the world's first anarchist virtuoso, will be giving Classical Guitar anarchy tips. One a week, here in ATI. Guitar Anarchy Tip #1 If a baby in the audience is screaming, or an unruly toddler is bringing squinched up faces to all or most of the ticket-purchasers; segue right into the "Attack Of The Killer Tomatos" theme song. Eb, Db, B, Bb... repeat... Do not play the entire song. You won't be able to get right back to serious music if you don't move fast. One verse or the chorus will suffice. Kids will dance in the aisles, babies will request teletubbies, heroin addicts and stoners alike will scream "freebird," "ozzie," or "stairway." And suddenly the whole audience will be ready to hear your serious music all the way thru again. Parents will smile as if in on a coup and you will be known throughout somewhere as the world's next Anarchist Virtuoso. __ __ / `-' \ ,,, ( |[====|)|m|a|r|c|o||[:::} \__.-.__/ ``` A Newspaper Toast (to ati@etext.org?) Here's to the letters editor, The person who rations the word. His job is to see that VOX POPULI Will never, ever be heard. DC Dave Dear sir, madam, or whatever, Recently, two issues of your publication were sent to our submissions address with the intention, I suppose, of being published in our magazine. Because I do enjoy your work (obviously others do as well), I was wondering whether or not some of it may, indeed, be printed in our 'zine. Whether your response is affirmative, I would like to congratulate you on your excellent work and encourage to check out ours if you're ever in the vicinity of Green Bay, Wisconsin. Thank you for your time, and your reply may be sent to this address. mr. nomad Editor-in-Chief, Up Your Bemis [ed note: Y soitenly, and thnx] ati There's a link in here (or I'll put one in) that might prove interesting to some of your readers..... http://www.thewordistruth.org sisyphus (860) Hello, Yes we still publish the iron feather journal. Here is the current contact infos: Iron Feather Journal po box 1905 boulder CO 80306 http://mycal.net/ifj THIS IS A PRESS RELEASE! IT IS IN ASCII! Hey, Marco. You get it first. Note the title here. Updated 4PM yesterday. Please note: This most definitely IS a preliminary schedule. And I think it just might fit into 40 char columns. . . . . . . . . . . HYGIENIC XX This is the Twentieth Anniversary of the First Hygienic Art Show "New London's ONLY winter tourist attraction." - Alyson Holtz No fees, no judges, no jury and no censorship Rules: One piece per artist. Site: The El & Gee Club Golden St. New London Show Time: Sat, Jan 30 8PM to 2AM; 11:00AM to 6PM Sun Jan 31 Hanging: From 10AM to 6PM Saturday Jan. 30 Artists: Bring in one piece to the El&Gee between 10AM & 6PM and hang it up. All artists are requested to leave their work hanging until 6PM Sunday. Registration is regretfully necessary. Other Events: Live Nude Art A life drawing class for Artists Fri Jan 29, El&Gee Club, 3rd Floor; Critical Neon Studios $5.00 donation pre-registration is requested, Contact Terry (Davo) Davis 447-1804 ... (cut for space limits. full updated press release next week.) # alt.urban.legends Do you know you can still leave a McDonalds (probably any one in the world) and hear someone arguing whether the woman who coffee-sued so many years ago suffered 3rd degree or 1st deg? Return 3 or 4 days later and someone's likely debatanauseum whether it was her thigh or her groin - whether it was a $1M or 2. It's like you never left... S T U P I D F A S T F O O D T R I C K S by marco I learned another one 2-day. Order a side of jalapenos at Taco Bell's drive-thru and 2 7-layer burritos hold the sour cream. You can alter that to taste, by the way. Go to McD's inside lobby and order a large fries. Pour yourself some ketchup and after you've sprinkled the peppers all over your burritos mix the ketchups into the juice from your jalapenos. Eat as mindfully as you can in a fast food foyer; if you pay really close attention you can taste food. Be fairly discrete - this may be against the law. Leave while people are still looking at you strangely, but well before someone tells you you're not allowed. Replicated 5 times, 3 at the same place, the other two scattered. Be careful of a few things. 1) People using those little paper ketchup wrinkle-cups get quite jealous of your big clear plastic jalapenos-2-go container. 2) Many will try and read your Taco Bell bag. It's from "that other place out there." 3) McDonalds is the US' most popular place to take small children and tell them Mommy and Daddy are breaking up. Do not, under any circumstances allow a parental unit to use YOUR presence as a metaphor for their familial dissolution. "you see," they say, "it's like I prefer Mickey D's and your mother likes Taco Hell. See? He's more like you, and your brother; he likes both. But McD's and TB both love him! We both love you..." Neither McD's nor TB like you. They'd just as soon strike your 1st thru 3rd born dead jus' so long as your next 7.5 children crave beef. Suggestion: Punch that parent square in the face til the nose bloodies, at once with no thought and no words. Me? I'm in a non-violence vow so I must find alternative methods. 4) run, unless you think you were able to be discrete about #3 also. =) ...let s/he who is without sin... It's official. At least deemed credible by Wash Post, AP et al. Larry Flynt's going to "out" between 2 and 12 more Washington brassies. At least one of them will be a woman. I bait with awaited buffalo breath. May I scathe a bit? If scores of former FBI and CIA are now hired by Larry Flynt to hustle dirt on politicos; if Ralph McGehee, Phil Agee, & John Stockwell quit to further peace instead of war, if Jack Ryan can quit rather than continue with COINTELPRO crap, how the hell does anyone within Edwin Moose's war-on-humans campaign expect to command ANY loyalty from them that linger? Sorry fence sitters, sorry complacent workerbees, sorry illusioned ones but: WHAT IF OLIVER NORTH, EDWIN MEESE, JOHN HULL, GEORGE BUSH AND TIPPER GORE HELD A WAR AND EACH OF US SAID "F*&K YOU" ON OUR WAY OUT THE DOOR? Prediction: Expect a few more attacks on "derechas humanas." Personal rights, individual freedoms - all that, before the dumb shake off their bloody faces, lift their gloves and dance "to the eye of the tiger." I give it 'til November. That may be conservative. The republic is in deep doo doo. Holding on by mercurized cotton thread. -moliere- ATI, an opinion page with a pulse. # # # # S E N A T O R S O F T H E W O R L D ; U N T I E ! ! ! Gentlemen, Steal Your Pens. PAPERMAKER RECALLS REAMS OF ROLLS - Washington - Wisconsin Tissue has asked for all its toilet paper back from the Senate Chambers. "They were dunked in the wrong dipper," said Humora Bania, International Paper spokesperson. She said the rolls of Senatorial TP had been mistakenly dunked in liquid Viagra (tm) instead of an Olestra (tm) perfume, as per US Senate Request Forms DD2369, and Form DD2. Harry H. Happy stumbled upon the problem according to his boss at the Senatorial Janitorial temp agency. Happy was taking a quick break while cleaning all the bathrooms in the Senate Chambers, both public and private. He'd thought nothing of it when each piece of perforated paper bore the type-error "The Quicker Pecker Upper," watermark. But shortly after wiping with the Senatorial sanctioned papers, he found himself feeling great, energetic, almost too vibrant. He also had an unquenchable urge to help clean all the womens rooms, which was out of his jurisdiction and not in his job description. "Oh, a whole different temp agency," said his boss, Saji Jamumora, "a different ethnic group and a whole other class. Why, they're women too," he said, in utter surprise. Jamumora said Harry H. Happy was then given the nickname "Horns," but he's no longer allowed to handle paper products or his trombone while on duty unless he's wearing powdered rubber gloves. IP told Wisconsin Tissue to recall all their paper products from that delivery so for the interim, Senators and their interns will be given per diem to use surrounding 7-11's and Starbucks cafes for all their daily needs until this matter is cleaned up. Senators who haven't gotten word yet are asked to throw out any tissues that slipped past the recall immediately. The first day of President Clinton's trial is expected to be very hard. http://homestead.dejanews.com/organize/links.html Notice: We regret to inform you that after careful consideration, we have decided you are not the type of reader ATI is looking for. If at any time the need should arise for a reader such as yourself, we will contact you. Until that time, we ask that you put the paper down. Thank you. Management. (Idea Stolen from Onion NewsPeople) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - From Anarchist Wire Services - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Montana - (AWN) Unabomber did more than bomb. Anarchist Unabomber Thed Katzensakis may have throttled and flogged a monor, said his friend Christopher Robbins in his new book, "UNABOMB: The Violent Ways of Walter Mitty. The book goes on to say his violence comes from love compassion and community more than fear and anger. (YAWN) Yeltwirtipus AnarchoWorld News FBI report says violent crime down 5% but theft of bananas, furbie dolls and carrots up 35% for fiscal '98 "The violence is like the DOW," said operative Getem Du-Em, "whereas theft of petty things more closely resembles the NASDAQ." ATI - Automatic Teller I-ching PEN RECALL ---- AP JANESVILLE, WI- The Parker Vector pens ---- used by US Senators to pledge impartial justice in the impeachment trial of President Clinton had a misprint. Instead of "United States Senator," the writing on the pens said "Untied States Senator," the manufacturer confirmed monday. "The Senate is like any good customer of ours, and we will reprint the order and make things right," said Michele Szynal, a spokeswoman for The Gillette Co.'s Stationery Products Group in Janesville. # .p.a.r.p.o.t.m./.w./.y. prime anarchist reverse prediction of the month/week/year .If Clinton's request for .100,000 MORE police .comes up for a vote .in the Senate with any .notice MAI will pass .2 days before it. DREAM DICTIONARY - If you wake up from your 4th dream in a row about someone grabbing you by the testicles and saying "vaca, vaca" and your mouth is really dry and your foot itches and the last thing you remember doing was cottage cheese, coffee and computers you must: 1. call the American Dairymans Ass. and say sorry. 2. Milk a cow or goat or yak and give the formula to a buck-toothed veal-house adoptee, or 3. plant 7 ceiba-trees in the rainforest preferable Honduras, Nicaragua or coastal Chiapas. Vegans must 4. email 4 or more people reminding them to turn off lights and appliances they don't need. If you don't have a computer 5. Go to mass, church or temple and say sorry to Guadalupe, God or Grocery-Mama. Atheists must pick any two of 1-3. .5 out of 4 polemics . .surveyed recommend ATI. . for patience with . . whom spam them. . Marco's REmax Realty guide to the USA. Who's not here yet. Quien falto? Hay banos a izquierda; bathrooms over there. Oh, we have new everything. New England, New Mexico, New postage stamps, new churches, new music, new math, new gangs, the new army and of course new nazis. Same war, diff day. Split infinitives R there 4 your tempermental pain and suffering. Song: children of the revolution violent femmes Journal Note: Little Girl. Tuesday. I think my brother has joinded a gang. Letter to Little Girl's mother from brother. Dear Mom, Basic training here at Fort Jackson rots. I wanna come home... We end with someone elses poetry, 4 after all is sediment and dung, all we gots: pome. On that glad night In secret, for no one saw me, Nor did I look at anything, With no other light or guide Than the one that burned in my heart; This guided me More surely than the light of noon To where he waited for me -him I knew so well- In a place where no one appeared. -30- Loathe us? Tell us. Like us? Tell phrendz... ati@etext.org