Why don't southern baptists screw standing up? might lead to dancing! The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle and one of the cardinals walks in. The Pope looks up and says, "What's a four letter word for woman that ends in U-N-T?" After a second, the cardinal answers, "Aunt." Pope says, "Oh...got an eraser?" How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one... but first it has to really WANT to change! When the earthquake hit San Francisco, know who the first people out were? The gays--they all ready had their shit packed! What did one gay rubber say to the other as they passed the gay bar? Want to go in and get shitfaced? Why do Mexican's have such lously barbecues ? CAUSE the beans keep falling through the grill ! Whats green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger What's wrinkled and smells like ginger? Fred Astaire's face Why couldn't Jesus be born in Greece? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Kermit make Mrs. Piggy douch with sugar and vinegar? 'Cuz he likes sweet and sour pork. Why do mexicans eat beans for dinner? So they can take a bubble bath later. What's gray? A melted Nun! how many californians does it take to screw in a light bulb....? 10 1 TO SCREW IT IN AND 9 TO SHARE THE EXPIRIENCE.........? Why didn't Mexico enter in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles? Because every Mexican who could run, jump, and swim were already here! How many people from West Virginia does it take to eat a deer? Three, one to eat it, and two to clean off the front of the truck... Why did the Polak think he was created upside down? cause his feet smelt, and his nose ran! What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven... What's the difference.Between black people and snow tires??? Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them... *** IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY *** Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. >>> The Moral of the Story <<< 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3. If you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a telephone booth? All of them!!! date: February 13,1990 Trojan Condom Company 6969 Slippery Root Dr. Droptrouser,NC 22269 Dear Sir, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product,TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing,our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not protray a positive,romantic image for our product.A loose,baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic. We admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken.We would like to note,however,that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your intrest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration,if by chance we decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We sent greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend along with our deepest sympathy. Yours Truly, BURLEY DICK , President TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY,INC. REMEMBER OUR SLOGANS: * Cover your stump before you hump * Don't be silly,protect your willy * Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker * Before you sack her,wrap your whacker * If your're not going to sack it,go home and whack it What is the difference between ooouhh and ahhhhh? About 4 inches! Why did the elephant paint his balls red? so he could hide in the cherry tree. What is the loudest noise in the jungle? a giraffe eating cherries. What are a woman's three greatest lies? 1) Your the best. 2) Your the biggest. 3) It doesn't always smell like that. What do you call a person who is half-mexican and german? A Beaner-Schnitzel How did Donna Rice explain the fact that she voted Republican? "Because Bush is in my heart, just like hart's in my bush. So what does- HART stand for? Had Any Rice Today Guy and a girl are making out and the girl says,"I think I got your gum." The guy responds,"I wasn't chewing gum, but I did clear my throat." What do you call a truck full of vibrators?? Toys for Twats! Ok, there was a guy wanting to tell someone a POLISH joke... so he goes to a bar and sits next down to a man who he doesn't know is Polish.. so he asks the Polish man if he wanted to hear a polish joke, and the Polish guy says No thank you.. and the American(or something) says why not... And the other guy goes, "Well, you see that guy sitting at the Bar?" and he goes, "Do you also see those two men walking in? Well, they are polish also." and the he points to a guy sitting at a table, and points another BIG man smoking a cigarette, and says, "Well, they are also Polish, Do you still want to tell me your Polish joke?" And the other guy goes, "Heck No!!! Not if I have to explain it six times!!! How many L.A. Straights does it take to screw in a light b? BOTH OF THEM! What happened when the Leper ran into the Screen Door ??? He Strained Himself. Why do Polish dogs have flat noses ??? Because they chase PARKED CARS. Q: How did the Harlem Hospital cut it's waste-disposal bill? A: Kept a pit bull in the operating room to eat the scraps. Q: What's the most practical thing to do with the ashes after Grandma's cremated? A: Put them in an Etch-A-Sketch. What is.a perfect example of confusion? Father's Day in Watts Why are there no blind sky divers?? It scares the shit out of the dogs... How did Helen Keller burn her ear? She answered the Iron. How did Helen Keller burn her other ear? They called back. Whaddaya call a dog with no legs? Cigarette.... cause every morning you take him out for a drag. What do you get when you have a room full of iraqi women? A full set of teeth. Why do mexicans drive low riders? So they can pick cabbages from the car.